Contemporary culture tells us the twentysomething years don't matter. Clinical psychologist Dr. Meg Jay argues that this could not be further from the truth.
Summary
Title: The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter And How to Make the Most of Them Now
Author: Meg Jay
Themes: Career, Life, Personal Development, Relationships
Year: 2012
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
ISBN: 0446575062, 9780446575065
Pages: 272
This book is a guide to not feeling lost in your 30s and 40s from a clinical psychologist who sees young people. It’s a must-read if you’re in your 20s.
The book centers around Jay’s experience as a clinical psychologist seeing people in their 30s and 40s who are hamstrung by having a “lack of vision” in their 20s.
This book is meant to provide people in their 20s with some direction around creating a vision for their 30s and beyond.
The book coined the term identity capital, describing it as “the currency we use to metaphorically purchase jobs and relationships.”
In other words, it is what we do to invest in ourselves to create the collection of skills, relationships, and professional resources we build up over our lives.
It’s about owning up to your choices and becoming the person you want to be. Forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital.
My Book Highlights:
"... Our 20s are the defining decade of adulthood. 80% of life's most defining moments take place by about age 35. 2/3 of lifetime wage growth happens during the first ten years of a career. More than half of Americans are married or are dating or living with their future partner by age 30. Personality can change more during our 20s than at any other decade in life. Female fertility peaks at 28. The brain caps off its last major growth spurt. When it comes to adult development, 30 is not the new 20. Even if you do nothing, not making choices is a choice all the same. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do..."
"... Feeling better doesn’t come from avoiding adulthood, it comes from investing in adulthood..."
"... The future isn’t written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So claim your adulthood. Be intentional. Get to work. Pick your family. Do the math. Make your own certainty. Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or didn’t do. You are deciding your life right now..."
"... Identity capital is our collection of personal assets. It is the repertoire of individual resources that we assemble over time. These are the investments we make in ourselves, the things we do well enough, or long enough, that they become a part of who we are..."
"... The one thing I have learned is that you can’t think your way through life. The only way to figure out what to do is to do—something..."
"... Goals direct us from the inside, but shoulds are paralyzing judgments from the outside. Goals feel like authentic dreams while shoulds feel like oppressive obligations. Shoulds set up a false dichotomy between either meeting an ideal or being a failure, between perfection or settling. The tyranny of the should even pits us against our own best interests..."
"... Real confidence comes from mastery experiences, which are actual, lived moments of success, especially when things seem difficult. Whether we are talking about love or work, the confidence that overrides insecurity comes from experience. There is no other way..."
"... Inaction breeds fear and doubt. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy..."
"... Unthought knowns are those things we know about ourselves but forget somehow. These are the dreams we have lost sight of or the truths we sense but don’t say out loud. We may be afraid of acknowledging the unthought known to other people because we are afraid of what they might think. Even more often, we fear what the unthought known will then mean for ourselves and our lives..."
"... Being confused about choices is nothing more than hoping that maybe there is a way to get through life without taking charge..."
"... As a twentysomething, life is still more about potential than proof. Those who can tell a good story about who they are and what they want leap over those who can’t..."
"... Forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. … Do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next..."
"... Twentysomethings who don't feel anxious and incompetent at work are usually overconfident or underemployed..."
"... It’s the people we hardly know, and not our closest friends, who will improve our lives most dramatically..."
"... For the most part, "naturals" are myths. People who are especially good at something may have some innate inclination, or some particular talent, but they have also spent about ten thousand hours practicing or doing that thing..."
"... Traveling in a third-world country is the closest thing there is to being married and raising kids. You have glorious hikes and perfect days on the beach. You go on adventures you would never try, or enjoy, alone. But you also can't get away from each other. Everything is unfamiliar. Money is tight or you get robbed. Someone gets sick or sunburned. You get bored. It is harder than you expected, but you are glad you didn't just sit home..."
"... Confidence doesn't come from the inside out. It moves from the outside in. People feel less anxious--and more confident--on the inside when they can point to things they have done well on the outside. Fake confidence comes from stuffing our self-doubt. Empty confidence comes from parental platitudes on our lunch hour. Real confidence comes from mastery experiences, which are actual, lived moments of success, especially when things seem difficult. Whether we are talking about love or work, the confidence that overrides insecurity comes from experience. There is no other way..."
"... Goals have been called the building blocks of adult personality, and it is worth considering that who you will be in your thirties and beyond is being built out of goals you are setting for yourself today..."
"... The Ben Franklin Effect: If weak ties do favors for us, they start to like us. Then they become even more likely to grant us additional favors in the future. Franklin decided that if he wanted to get someone in his side, he ought to ask for a favor. And he did..."
"... The lottery question might get you thinking about what you would do if talent and money didn't matter. But they do. The question twentysomethings need to ask themselves is what they would do with their lives if they didn't win the lottery..."
Do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that's an investment in whom you might want to be next.
Jay highlights the difference between school and adults. School requires you to solve clear problems laid before you, adult life requires adapting and finding answers in uncertain situations.
Large-scale social groups can improve our thinking by impelling us to communicate in a variety of ways and better configure our beliefs. Having a few close friends and no one outside our bubble harms our development.
Jay advises that you take the job with the most career capital. Where you’ll build the most relationships, learn the most, and grow the most. NOT necessarily make the most money.
The Defining Decade by Meg Jay is a groundbreaking book that explores the challenges and opportunities of the twenties.
The book offers insight into the unique issues and concerns of this developmental period of life, from career choices and job hunting to relationships and identity.
The book's key learnings include:
• Recognize the significance of the twenties and make the most of it.
• Take action, set goals, and track progress.
• Invest in meaningful relationships.
• Prioritize self-care and personal growth.
• Tap into the power of networks.
• Pay attention to nonverbal communication.
• Ask for help and seek support.
Throughout, Jay encourages readers to make the most of their twenties and use the decade to set a trajectory for the rest of their lives. Drawing on her experience as a psychologist and professor, Jay provides practical advice, strategies, and tools to help young people take control of their futures.
Chapters of the Book:
Preface: The Defining Decade
WORK
Identity Capital
Weak Ties
The Unthought Known
My Life Should Look Better on Facebook
The Customized Life
LOVE
An Upmarket Conversation
Picking Your Family
The Cohabitation Effect
On Dating Down
Being in Like
THE BRAIN AND THE BODY
Forward Thinking
Calm Yourself
Outside In
Getting Along and Getting Ahead
Every Body
Do the Math
Epilogue: Will Things Work Out for Me?
At its core, The Defining Decade is about seizing the moment and making the most of this crucial period of life. Jay focuses on the power of taking action and making meaningful, positive decisions that will shape the rest of a person's life.
She encourages readers to think deeply about their futures and make conscious, informed choices regarding their careers, relationships, and goals.
Meg Jay, PhD, is a Clinical Psychologist, and an Associate Professor of Human Development at the University of Virginia, who specializes in adult development and in twenty-somethings in particular. She earned a doctorate in clinical psychology, and in gender studies, from the University of California, Berkeley.
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